I used to work at an office supply store and I hated it and I hated myself and I hated you. After a few months, me and a coworker got really lazy and started goofing off hardcore. We caught insects and ran them through the industrial laminator. We disappeared for hours and hours and we burned free software on the demo computers. We printed up hundreds of little strips of paper with messages on them and secretly stuffed them in boxes throughout the whole store. Imagine a swarm of little old ladies returning their new tape dispensers, clutching dirty little notes and demanding to speak to the manager. Unfortunately, we both quit before harvesting the evil fruit of our labor. But I saved the labels.... so if you're a disgruntled retail employee, print them out, cut along the lines and.... well you get the idea.

"I highly recommend this product."

- Charles Manson

See our ad in "Sex Change" magazine.
May cause white people to turn black.
This product was handled by people with contagious diseases.
I'm telling everybody that you struck an innocent child.
This product has been taste-tested.


You've just won $10.00! Please see a sales associate to claim your winnings.

See you in hell.

This product sucks.

No wait… you suck.

This product is not guaranteed to function properly, or even remotely well under normal circumstances.


You're a douche bag.

If ingested, punch throat continuously until retarded

Hey, where'd you get those glasses?

I hate them.

Duplication may occur upon contact with water.
This product is known to explode.
This coupon is valid for 1 free scrotum massage, you fucking idiot.
See our website for details on how you could have saved money by shopping elsewhere.
Consult a physician for comprehensive information on why you should not have bought this product.
Yer bref stink.
Make me some eggs.
If this device malfunctions, blow your head off.
Hey!! You're that guy from those golf movies!! Dorf, right?
You will probably experience permanent deafness after you use this.
Squirt this in your face.
This product has movable parts that may be uncontrollable.
Test this product on the dog before giving it to children.

Inspected by:

Eat a bag of shit.

Do not use this product in common rooms found in most places.

Do you mind?

Company and manufacturer will not be held responsible for anything. Ever.
Do not fondle this product.
This tag may not be relevant to your dyke mom.
Consumption of this tag is encouraged.
This product was recycled from filthy dog butts.

Do not use this product if you're fat.

And you are.

If painful symptoms persist, scorch face thoroughly and scrub genitals with wire brush.
If this product fails, beat small children with a closed fist.
Cancel your credit cards if the silver film surrounding this product has been molested.
Take your top off.
If this product has been opened, you lose.
Antidote sold separately.
Wipe with this.
American Wheelchair Association Approved
Warranty expires: 8 / 15 / 76

Rinse eyes with gasoline for no reason.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Save your receipt. You're gonna hate this product.

This sentence is printed on highly toxic paper.

Don't touch it.

This product may be returned within 50 years of purchase.

Did you pay for this? That's weird.... it should have been free.

Take it back.

Good luck figuring out these instructions.


This product was made by nudists.
Scratch & Sniff

This product has been tested for defectiveness.

RESULTS: Defective.


Whores like you.

Fuck. You.
This product may cause your hands to smell like milk.

Did you hear something?

Yeah... you're probably right... it's probably just me breaking into your house.

Home - Music - Prank Calls - Archives - Contact