"Honey, come look at the new bed I just got!"
stepped from the bathroom drying her hair with a big towel. She stopped
abruptly and looked at Gary and then at the bed, and then at Gary again.
"You bought a new bed without telling me? That's a big purchase... wait... When did you even get this inside the house?"
you were showering. Now listen... We can try it for 90 days and they'll
take it back if we don't like it. No questions asked. Guaranteed."
"What's with the big funnel on the headboard?"
"Those are for the comfort nuggets."
Gary held up a brown satchel and took out three puckered balls that looked like spoiled crab apples.
comfort nuggets. This bed allows you to dial in exactly the right
amount of comfort. You just drop these nuggets into the funnel and the
bed undergoes a subtle transformation."
"Why do the nuggets smell like that?"
"What happens when you run out of nuggets?"
"We will have to buy more. All the time. But you can get like 50 comfort nuggets for cheap."
"This seems weird to me."
"No it's not. Try depositing a few comfort nug--"
"Stop saying comfort nuggets!!!"
"But that's what they are."
"I know but... Can we just get a nice regular bed? Can we exchange this for a regular one that doesn't run on nuggets?"
and Marsha tied the bed to the rack of their Chevette and left. The
store was supposedly just around the corner, but they were having
trouble finding it.
"Gary, didn't you say the bed store was next door to Tawny's Olde Tyme Sock Parlor?"
"Yeah it was. I'm certain of it.... It was right here, I swear to God."
spent a couple hours trying to find the bed store, but they
eventually gave up and went home to think about things. They sat
together on the front porch and after a while Gary began to think out
"Oh great," he said.
the other day during my lunch break, me and a couple guys went to this
Filipino Circus that was in town. There was a gypsy there. She told me
this was going to happen. I forgot."
A Filipino gypsy predicted you would buy a bed that runs on comfort
nuggets, and when you tried to return it, the store would be gone. Is
that what she said?"
"Plus... you forgot about that fortune until just now. Still correct?"
"And I suppose the circus is no longer in town either?"
"Then I guess we'll have to keep the bed, huh?"
"I guess so."
you asshole! What's the matter with you? You think I wouldn't recognize
our old bed just because you taped a funnel to the headboard? How long
were you going to keep this up? I mean... Jesus... The crab apples??
They're all over the ground! Look around you!"
"You need to stop doing this."
"I explained this problem to you when we married."
know! I know you did! I was stupid to think I could change you. Each
time you seem so convinced that the comfort nuggets are real! I was
going to give you a chance to own up this time!"
"I have a disease, Marsha."
"It's not a disease!"
"I'm sick, Marsha" Gary said calmly, rolling a crab apple between his hands. A student
driver suddenly crashed into their mailbox. They looked at him. He
looked back and shrugged, and drove away.