Keeping up with the Joneses isn't easy in this age of breakneck social cest la bon'vie. If you want to be somebody, you have to throw plenty of fancy parties at your mansion. Since you're poor, stupid and socially inept, you'll be asked to tend bar usually. I've written this helpful guide to make your work easier, and I thank Bartending Magazine for printing it in their Noveber 2004 edition.

Try to experiment a lot when you are starting out. Add ingredients to mixed drinks that seem strange. Poison is a good base ingredient. Always keep a container of poison near your station. I usually keep a pyrex beaker on a hot-plate. Fill the beaker with poison so you can have hot poison if you want. Which you will.

Many guests will request a beer. Fill a bunch of styrofoam cups with beer and set the cups on a hot-plate to make the beer warm. It brings out the flavor more. If someone complains about how warm the beer is, throw hot poisons in his eyes. I once had a guy come up to me and say "This beer is too warm, and the styrofoam cup is only insulating it." What a dick.

If someone requests a drink "on-the-rocks," it means that he is prejudiced against blacks. Just nod your head and fix his drink. Arguing philosophy with guys like this is futile, but remember his face because you can point him out as a racist next time you're around black people.

Some bars have a supply of swizzle sticks for their guests to use. Dispose of these immediately. Real professional bar tenders stir drinks with their fingers. Even drinks that aren't supposed to be stirred at all. You can try using your wallet to stir the drink, but if it doesn't fit in the beverage container, throw hot poisons in the customer's eyes.

Most mixed drinks are best served ice cold. Always use the glass that the drink is to be served in as an ice scoop. This will enable chips of the glass to break off into the drink and then be swallowed by your customers, which is beneficial for your reputation because people like their drinks this way. If some jerk says "Oh my god, I think I swallowed glass," just respond with, "Yeah you did. That's how i make drinks."

Most people who walk around while they are drinking don't get very drunk. Seek these guests out and ask them to leave. You don't need any heroes objecting to your foul-play later on, as the evening turns sour.

Sometimes parties have kids at them, and the kids are usually instructed to leave the adults alone. They'll seek you out for companionship. From my experience, children enjoy stronger drinks. I don't know why, they just do. Give them a couple bottles of whatever and leave them alone. It is optional to throw hot poisons in their eyes for no reason.

Even the best bartenders make mistakes. Example: I got caught stealing diamonds from this guy's house and I wasn't even bar tending at the time. Just act casual and confident. Confidence is important, even if you know what you're doing is unacceptable. Basically, I'm a cat burglar, and the dude was like, "Hey, what the fuck are you doing?!" And I'm like, "Sorry, dude. I'm taking your diamonds. Bye."

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