Dear Mother and Father,
am running away from home. Why? Because you guys are pricks. Power
Wheels are generally safe barring the occasional battery fire, and they
save a person my size a great deal of time gallivanting about the yard.
Timmy Kipple has a Power Wheel.
of whom, did you notice how many people were at Poochy's Buffet for his
birthday party? About 100. That's because his parents purchased
embossed invitations, which you prohibited me from doing for economic
reasons. The Times New Roman typeface on my invitations was
embarrassing and niggardly, and unbefitting of a young man with
Also, I refuse
to remain a second class citizen deprived of icing for his Pillsbury
Toaster Strudels. It's not really that much sugar, and the plain
strudel is too goddamn dry. Oh and you can forget about that
six-month-old box of strawberry Pop-Tarts. It's like... who do I have
to blow around here to get a moist strudel? Tell me and I'll blow them.
but not least, how many times must I visit the grave of grandma
Nurples? I never met the bitch. She never knew I existed. Dragging me
along is a big fat waste of time and only makes me resent graveyards
So anyway, this is the
last you'll hear from me, idiots. I stuffed a bindle with the leftover
strudel icings and I intend to eat them in one or two sittings. Don't
put out an Amber alert.